Forum: Classic
From: Cosmo                                                      Msg#: 411804
  To: ** ALL **
  Re: SKKKKIIIIPPPPPPEEERRRRRR!
      (Copy by Autox)

You know, I got to thinking today:

Remember the show, Gilligan's Island?  I've come to the conclusion that
Gilligan was the ONLY ONE with any damned sense and worth on the entire
island.  THINK about it: entire group of castaways gets trapped in a
cave, EXCEPT FOR GILLIGAN, who rescues them.  Entire group of castaways
gets captured by headhunters/cannibals/polynesians/DoHo, EXCEPT FOR
GILLIGAN.  But really, now, think about it:

SKIPPER: Overweight, full of angst.  Do any of you EVER recall hearing
him accept responsibility for them being there, shipwrecked on the
island?  Every screwup that the Skipper makes, he blames it on Gilligan,
who usually was just following orders, anyway.  It just goes to show
you: the privilege of being an Officer, even being just the Captain of
the now wrecked Minnow, is the privelege of being able to blame someone
ELSE for all of your mistakes.  And you THINK he mighta laid off of
MaryAnn's coconut creme pies, and lost some of that tonnage.  Hell, why
didn't they just float Skipper in the lagoon, load him up with supplies,
and sail back to SanFrancisco on top of him?

THURSTON HOWELL, III: Possibly the only one on the island other than
Gilligan with any sense of cunning and deviousness.  His problem?  He
was out of his "element".  Trying to buy your way out of problems with
fistfuls of money won't work on an island with six other people and no
stores to spend money in.  Unfortunately, this ruined his image: trying
to bribe a volcano into NOT exploding with $350,000 is a waste of time:
both his and the volcano's.  Give ThurstyBoy credit, though: when it
comes to that butt-ugly wife of his, "Lovey", you just *know* he married
her for some reason other than her looks.  Hell, they slept in seperate
beds, for gawds sake..

MRS. HOWELL (aka "Lovey", real first name as yet undiscovered, probably
"Gertrude" or something): Be for REAL.  This woman was NO HELP AT ALL.
Can anyone think of a SINGLE EPISODE where "Lovey" (gawd, what a
misnomer) played a pivotal role?  I DIDN'T THINK SO.  She's a dinosaur
held over in a modern age.  I think she even played a pivotal part in
Jurassic Park *somewhere* (clue: she was a RESIDENT at the park!)  Is
she stupid enough to really think ThurstyBoy actually LOVES her?  Or
maybe she has a counterscheme?  Amazingly, those "background players"
work that way.  And BOY, was she a backgrounder, or WHAT?

GINGER: Three words summed up her presence on the island: HOT BABE
APPEAL. She did, literally, nothing else. Oh, sure, she occasionally
tried to use feminine wiles to resolve conflicts, but they NEVER WORKED.
Pity for her that men aren't as stupid as she thought they were. Just
like "Lovey", contributed NOTHING.  Ever read that novel called "The
Cay"?  It's about two people shipwrecked, one of them blind.  The BLIND
GUY at least did SOMETHING!  What did Ginger do on Gilligan's Island?
She didn't do JACK.  On a darker note, I sorta wonder why Gilligan
didn't try to nail her.  She's so clueless, she wouldn't have known what
was happening.

PROFESSOR:  OK, give the egghead credit: he was able to predict and
resolve disasters, sure.  He invented a few creature comforts for the
Islanders (sorta like Dark Shadow does for TCE!).  But why the HELL
couldn't someone like that, who could manufacture a generator out of a
few coconuts and some vines, perform such miracles like... BUILD A DAMN
BOAT?

MARY ANN:  Innocent farmgirl, yah, right.  AKA: comedy relief.  The only
decent thing she could do worth a damn was make coconut creme pie, and
worry about people.  To be honest, I thought she was a HELLUVA lot cuter
than Ginger, anyway.  If *I* was stuck on the island, GINGER woulda been
making the pies.

Remember the episode where Gilligan was elected Dictator of the island?
It shoulda stuck.  Dictator to a population of idiots...

Cos