Date: Wednesday, November 9, 1994  10:23pm                         /Classic
From: Blue Devil                                               Msg#: 165265
  To: ** ALL **                                                            
  Re: New Pilot, Part I                                                    
      (Copy by Autox)

So this ain't Fantasy Island, huh Cosmo?  Well......
                               [A
Scene 1:

The camera swoops in on a lush tropical island, as if carried by a
pelican, large seagull, or REALLY badass penguin.  The view dives down
into a lagoon with a large, beautiful beach, adorned only by a small
dock and wooden stairway leading into the foliage.  The viewpoint then
shoots up over the trees, climbing up the mountain in the center of
the island.  A resort complex[Af white buildings is imbedded in the side
of the mountain.  The camera zooms in on these buildings, focusing on
the roof as a door flings open and a small, gnarled head pops out.

COSMO (Billy Barty in jackboots): "Zee modems, boss, zee MODEMS!!!!"

(N)onstop, (Q)uit, or [C]ontinue?Cosmo runs out onto the roof, spilling his can of Milwaukee's Best
on his all-white leather outfit as he hurries to the edge:  "Hurreee,
boss, zeeeee MODEMS!"

(voice from inside door) "Yes, yes, OpTwo, Ahyee am cooming"
                            A
AUTOX (Michael Palin) steps casually out onto the rooftop.  He is
dressed in an all-white suit.  AIDA (Julia Louis-Dreyfuss) hands him
a drink with a pink umbrella in it from the doorway and dissapears
back into the building.

"Thahnk you mahyee dahrling.  Ah, yes, OpTwo, wandearful, wanderful."

"It's zee UUUUUSERS, boss, on zee MODEMS!  Zee MODEMS!"

Autox (muttering into small tape recorder) : "Parsonal note.  Hav zee
leetle runt ground fed to zee sharks before next payday." (louder)
BJes, OpTwo, Why don't choo go down ahnd meet our guests?"

Cosmo: "Yes, boss, yes!" (goosesteps past Autox, then sprints down
the stairs, nearly bowling over Aida leaving doorway with her own drink)

Aida: "Hey, you'd better get down there.  This is the first landing for
the new Cessna 28.8s.  They might need you."

Autox: "No, no, Cozmo cahn take cayre of eet.  I so hate to rush."


Scene 2:

Cosmo is on the beach, at the end of the dock, jumping up and down
excitedly.  He carries a large (well, for him) boom box and presses
a button on it.  The "Ride of the Valkyries" starts as the camera pans
around, facing out onto the lagoon.  Droning engine sounds are getting
louder and louder.

Suddenly, a small, boxy plane, then another, then another scoot over
the treetops surrounding the lagoon.  Each one has a row of colored
lights, flashing in patterns, instead of windows.  All three planes
land on pontoons and line up heading towards the dock.

Cosmo motions to the woods and a dozen HotANSIBabes(tm) (leftovers from
beer commercials) come forth wearing grass skirts and bearing leias.
Cosmo then claps his hands twice and two male natives come out wearing
nothing but tiny leather bikini bottoms to help open the doors on the
first plane.  All of the hair (ALL of the hair) has obviously been
shaved from their entire (and I mean ENTIRE) bodies.

BL[BKTHORNE (Elvis P[Asley in lifts): "Well, I already GOT my
fantasy!  I just wish I had read the fine print!" (rubs crotch)

X-MARINE (Dolph Lungren): "It looked like fun, and it's the only way
I'm getting in this show anyway!  What, does it take all ten million
of you viewers to laugh at me?  Come on by after the show, you wimps!
That is, if you are man enough!"

Our two native studmuffins open the door of the first plane.  A
teenage boy jumps out first.

MACBETH (Elijah Wood) runs between the natives right up to Cosmo:
"You had BETTER grant my fantasy, PRONTO!  You WILL make my dreams
come true!  You WILL do what you promised!  Hahahahahahaha!"

(cut to back view of Cosmo from waist up.  We hear a zipping sound,
then the spash of water as Macbeth's expression changes from anger
to surprise to horror)

Cosmo: "Guess I win the pissing contest, huh?"

Autox glides up to Macbeth: "Pleez, pleez, do not let my leetle frend
bother you.  Of COURSE wee weel fulfeel your fantasy, young one."

Macbeth: "Well you'd BETTER!" (glares at Cosmo)

Next off the first plane is GOM (Amanda Plummer), who practically
falls onto the dock.  Autox helps her up.

Autox: "Oh, my poor dear.  Pleez, seet down on the soothing sand."

GoM: "I am so tired of being tired, it won't help.  But thanks."

The final passenger on the first plane is ISABOE (Susan Sarandon),
who matter-of-factly steps off, glances around, and nods at Autox.


The second plane pulls up as the two figures inside toss JIK
(Rob Reiner) into the water.  BLUE DEVIL (Jason Alexander) and
WIRED CHILD (Mog the Moogle in a wC Suit ("Feel like a wC!")) jump
out of the plane onto the dock.

BD&wC: "KUPO!"

BD: "Man, that was Kupo!"

wC: "No, that was Harlan."

BD: "Yeah, it was Harlan.  Kupo!"

Autox: "My friends, I doo not speak your strange langweech, but make
yourselves at home.  Your fantasies await you."

BD&wC: "Kupo!"

Jik (being fished out of the lake by X-Marine and Blackthorne):
"They like me, they really like me!".  X and *b toss Jik onto
the beach.  "Hey, sand in the crotch, kinda cool!"

As all this is going on the final plane pulls up.  DAGARTH (Rick James)
jumps out before plane can stop.

Dagarth: "Man, thank GOD!  I though I was gonna DIE with those two
superfreaks in the plane!  What kind of ratbag outfit is this?"

Autox: "I am so sorree your trip was stressful.  Pleez, reemove your
disguise, you no longer need it here."

Dagarth pulls off his wig and removes latex mask, revealing himself
as Tom Arnold: "Oh yeah, thanks Tox Dude.  Hey, ANSIBabes(tm)!"
Dag swaggers off towards the HotANSIBabes(tm).

Autox: "Senior Beavis, Senior Butthead, are you coming out?"

YANG THE NAUSIATING(sik) (Gary Sinise in a Metallica Shirt):
"Heh heh heh....he said "coming"...heh heh heh"

BUCKMO(sick) (Michael McKean, hair dyed black, in an AC/DC
shirt): "I'll come out when I'm damn good and ready, dillweed!"

Blackthorne reaches into the plane and pulls out both B&B, one
hand wrapped around their scrawny necks. "Where to?"

Yang: "Hey, this sucks!  Cut it out, assmunch!"

Autox: "Pleez place them on the beach..." (Blackthorne throws them
thirty feet onto the beach where they stick headfirst) "...gently.
Oh, well.  I see you are all arrived safely, my friends."

Buckmo: "Huh huh....hey Yang, we're like, uhhh....Auschwitchess..."

Autox: "The porters will be by shortly to take your bags.  For now,
please follow OpTwo to your rooms.  I hope you enjoy your stay, and..."

Cosmo: (sotto voce) "Boss, zee accent, zee ACCENT!"

Autox: "Oh, jes, ov course.  Aye hope yoo eenjoy your say.  I
weell bee by to see each of you personahly thees eveneeg.  I am
your host, Mr. AuRourke.  Welcome to TCE Island!"

(R)eply, (E)mail reply, follow (T)hread, (P)revious or [N]ext message?