TCE! Island Part II: Darkseed's Fantasy Mr. AuRourke: "As I said, Welcome to TCE Island! Please follow OpTwo to your rooms..." Camera cuts up into the sky away from the new arrivals walking into the jungle. As we lose sight of them we hear Macbeth... Macbeth: "Man, that was one hell of a commercial break. I had time to bilk Mr. AuRourke of thousands of dollars, get suspended, sign on under two dup accounts, and then get reinstated!" Camera spends an annoying amount of time showing the blue sky, then cuts back down to a view of a bungalow in the jungle. Dagarth (Tom Arnold) is talking with Mr. AuRorke at the entrance. Dagarth/Darkseed: "So this is it? Doesn't look like much!" AuRourke: "Oh, but eet ees more than joo imageen. Forr inside dees seemple hut I hav eenstalled a Cray-3 computer with new cerameec soooperconducteeeeers." Darkseed: "Really? Really? REALLY?!?!?!" AuRourke: "Well, okay, eet's just a Cray-2. I jusst like to say 'cerameec soooperconducteeeeers'. In fact, I'll say eet wan more time. 'cerameeeec sooooperconducteeeeeeeers'! Nice tinny word, don't you theenk?" Darkseed: "Whatver. Let's get too it, leather-boy. This had better be worth the 20 modems I 'donated' to ya..." Mr. AuRourke leads Dagarth into what turns out to be a high-tech computer setup cleverly concealed inside the hut. A full Virtual Reality Bodysuit hangs in a gyroscopic free-movement enclosure. Darkseed visibly drools as AuRourke begins flipping switches. Darkseed: "Hey, cool couch too!" (begins to sit down) AuRourke: "No, my Jerri-curled friend, that is the Cray-2. Plees bee careful! Eet has some special modifeecashuns and some VARY special sohftware!" AuRourke finishes the setup and the entire back wall of the hut lights up with a giant display flatscreen monitor readout: DOS 6GW Environment Booting........loaded. Darkseed: "Hey, cool, can you play The Pit on this thing?" The entire screen lights up with a logo: SuperEgo Software presents: JJJJJJJJJJ OOOOO OOOOO VV VV JJ OO OO OO OO VV VV JJ OO OO OO OO VV VV JJ OO OO OO OO VV VV JJ JJ OO OO OO OO VVVV JJJJ OOOOO OOOOO VV v. 1.666 Select input device: 1. Keyboard Only 2. Keyboard + Mouse 3. Keyboard + Joystick 4. Full Virtual Reality Bodysuit Mr. AuRourke motions to the bodysuit: "Joor chareeot awaits..." Darkseed: "Awwwwwww yeah. AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH." Darkseed climbs into the bodysuit with the eagerness of Michael Jackson opening the gate to his petting zoo. He slaps the helmet over his head. Mr. AuRourke leans over and hits the '4' key on the keyboard. The lights dim and AuRourke quietly leaves, closing the hut door behind him. We see Darkseed kicking and gesturing in the suit. The camera cuts slowly to a closeup of his helmeted head, then jumps into the helmet as we see through Darkseed's eyes. Darkseed: "Okay. This is even better than The Pit..." We are in a maze of twisty corridors, all different. Through Darkseed's eyes we see a dank, dark, slimy tunnel. A double-barrelled shotgun pokes out into the gloom. The camera fades back until we see Darkseed. He is in full fatigues and carrying all manner of weapons: a chainsaw, a gatling gun, two shotguns, and a bazooka. He is wearing steel-tipped boots and a black t-shirt that says "Better pooves than juves!" and has an illustration of a beanie-cap with a bloody stake through it. We track behind Darkseed as he runs through the corridors, in Sam Raimi "Evil Dead" style. As he rounds a corner, we see a joovie pop up out of the muck and scream at Darkseed. Ancalagon (McCauley Culkin): "Die, eeeeeevil one!!!!!!!" Ancalagon pulls a pea shooter out of his pocket, purses his lips, and spits a pellet at Darkseed. The pellet spangs off Darkseed's T-shirt. Darkseed: "Hey! That hurt you little punk! Eat lead! ARGH!" Ancalagon: "Ha! You don't know anything, you, you, you...dummy!" Darkseed staggers back as Ancalagon shines a blindingly bright beam of light into his face with a huge flashlight he pulls from behind his back. Ancalagon cackles with insane glee (okay, with somewhat disturbed and moderately off-balance glee) as he raises his pea-shooter with his other hand..... ......and Anc wails as his light sputters and then dies. We see Darkseed, an eeeeeevil grin on his face, drawing bead with both barrels as Ancalagon pops open the flashlight to reveal Spark-o-Vac batteries. Ancalagon: "Noooooooooooooooo!" (flies backwards about thirty feet as both barrels empty into him) Mysterious Voice: "Still gooooooing" (as the Energizer bunny comes trolling in from offscreen) Darkseed: "Stop. Bazooka time." (Whips bazooka from behind back and fires point-blank into the bunny from the hip) WAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOMPHHHHHHHHHH! Darkseed brushes an ear from his shoulder, looks among the wreckage, shrugs, and sticks a rabbit foot in his pocket. The silence after the explosion is shattered by an earsplitting yell... Kramer (Fred Savage, badly lip-synched): "YAAAAAAAAAR! You kill that guy! I got to get you now! I am the king of all fighters!" Kramer runs forward as two Sais spring into his hands and vaults off a hidden trampoline. He flys towards Darkseed, spinning and flipping in impressive Ninja Fashion. Darkseed: "Whatever." (bends down on one knee and hunches his shoulders violently. His chainsaw flys from his back directly over his head. One hand graps the chainsaw handle above his head. The chainsaw starts with a ferocious roar as we see Darkseed's other arm clenched behind his back, his hand gripping the pull-start cable. "See Ya." Kramer flies into the chainsaw and explodes into goo. Hmmm, we better put this one on after 9 pm. Darkseed: "Heh heh heh. What the F---!" Steel bars slap down all around Darkseed and shackles come from the walls and wrap around his wrists and ankles. He is pulled up against one wall, spread-eagled. Darkseed: "Hey! That wasn't in the docs! I didn't order this! What, did that AuRourke sucker forget to register the door or something! I've got a Visa card! I'll pay! Heeeeeeeelp!" ....... We fade back again, away from Darkseed, up to a top view of the maze he is in, then out of his helmet to a back view of his writhing body in the virtual suit. In the dark we can barely see a hand typing on the Cray-2 control board. An maniacal snickering fills the hut as the JOOV screen darkens and is replaced with the words "Patch Installed. /Jail Darkseed command processed. Bodysuit locked and harness rigged for travel. Disengaging gyroscopic stabilizers." Darkseed's body, trapped in the suit, falls to the ground in front of the Cray. The hand at the controls motions and two men in black sweatsuits and hoods being loading Darkseed onto a gurney....we fade to the next commercial. Next on TCE!: Wired Child's Fantasy...