THE BOARD Screenplay by wC Based on a novel by John Grisham Soundtrack by the Offspring, Blue Oyster Cult, Smashing Pumpkins, and Jermaine Jackson SCENE 1 A woman (SEAN YOUNG) is running down a street at night. A voice is tormenting her. OFF-SCREEN VOICE (PEE-WEE HERMAN): Hehhh... Hehhh... I know where you live.... I know where you sleep... hehhh... hehhh... WOMAN (screaming over her shoulder): NO! NO! Leave me ALONE! OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Hehhh... Hehhh... I know where you work... hehhh... hehh... WOMAN: (sobbing) Why can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE??? OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Hehhh... Hehhh... I know what you look like naked... WOMAN screams, a terrifying, hellish shriek. The camera pans back to show WOMAN in bed, alone. Moonlight casts shadows over her covers. SCENE 2 Autox (SAM NEILL) is kicked back at his new desk, feet propped up, listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio. The WOMAN storms through his door. WOMAN: I demand ACTION! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! AUTOX: On what? What did I do? Huh? Oh, hi, GoM. GOM: That bastard Englishchef is harrassing me again? AUTOX: How? GOM: I dreamed about him! And it was on YOUR BOARD! I had fallen asleep while playing Mutants and he was there and you didn't stop him and... and... I'm going to cry! AUTOX: Uh... I really can't do anything about your dreams you know... GOM: WHY NOT? You call yourself a SYSOP!... AUTOX: I do? GOM: (quivering lower lip) If you won't take action.... I WILL! (storms out of office in a huff) AUTOX: Gosh! SCENE 3 AUTOX and COSMO (Gerald McRaney) are meeting in Autox's office. Cosmo's eyes are drawn every so often to a bank of modems for no apparent reason. AUTOX: ...and she just stormed out of here. Man, I think she's flipped. COSMO: ...uh... you might want to consider hiring some legal help. AUTOX: Why? She's just a user, for crying out loud... COSMO: ...uh... yeah, but this is a John Grisham novel, we should have some lawyers in here somewhere. AUTOX: You seem awfully distracted. COSMO: ...uh... what? AUTOX: Never mind. I'll be right back. (AUTOX leaves. COSMO leaps for the modems, behind which is a case of Milwaukee's Beast. COSMO fondles it lovingly.) SCENE 4 A booth at Western Sizzlin'. BLACKTHORNE (Dolph Lundgren) and CHASTITY (Sandra Bernhardt) are happily making mush faces at each other. BLACKTHORNE: Is my widdle pooh bear happy-wappy? CHASTITY: Is my precious boingy-woingy slappy-pappy? (BLUE DEVIL (Jason Alexander) walks in, carrying a lap-top.) BLUE DEVIL: Sorry I'm late. BLACKTHORNE (to CHASTITY): Is my widdle foobsy-woobsy dibsy-nibsy? BLUE DEVIL: Uh... don't mind me, guys... I'll just take my 6 planets turns... (sets up laptop and types away furiously.) (DIOGENES (Glenn Danzig) walks in, three women (Heather Locklear, Tawny Kitaen, Traci Lords) following lovingly.) DIOGENES: Anyone see wC? BLUE DEVIL: He's at work, man. CHASTITY (to BLACKTHORNE): Is my fooloo-booloo gimly-timly? BLACKTHORNE (suddenly serious): Then we're all here then. Here's your orders. (hands out sealed envelopes.) BLUE DEVIL: Cool! I get to have a meaningless tawdry affair with Sweet Jane! BLACKTHORNE (blushing): Wrong envelope. (switches envelopes with Blue Devil) BLUE DEVIL: Aw.... peace-maker AGAIN? DIOGENES: We just call you Jimmy Carter. (doesn't bother to open envelope) Which juvie am I busting this time? BLACKTHORNE: Big game this time, my loyal henchman... GoM! (everyone gasps) TAWNY: But... but... but she's ADMIN! DIOGENES (slaps TAWNY): Shut up, ho. BLACKTHORNE: Gentlemen, we face a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. GoM's sudden vulnerability to Englishchef implies that we can use this as a tool to rid the board of her forever! BLUE DEVIL: Uh, why do we want to do that? BLACKTHORNE: I don't know. I'm bored. CHASTITY (to BLACKTHORNE): Is my widdle blacky-wacky boresy-oarsy? WIRED CHILD (John Belushi) staggers in. BLACKTHORNE: Are we done then? WIRED CHILD: Uh... yeah. SCENE 6 MACBETH (Macaulay Culkin) and WILDFIRE (Freshman) sit under a tree. They are extremely careful to maintain a three-foot distance. MACBETH: You remember GoM? WILDFIRE: Uh huh. MACBETH: No one likes her now. WILDFIRE: Uh huh. MACBETH: I like her, sort of. But I don't want to admit it, because all the cool people will make fun of me. GoM said so. WILDFIRE: Uh huh. MACBETH: If I was the last guy on earth, would you go out with me? WILDFIRE: Uh huh. MACBETH: Uh..... wow. If I was sort of the last guy on earth, but there were still a lot of other guys around, but there was only (FADE) SCENE 7 SWEET JANE (Tori Spelling) and FLAGG (Billy Corgan) loiter in front of Blockbuster's. FLAGG is now Lt. Commander in charge of the Drama section, thus allowed to loiter outside. SWEET JANE: Why are we in this movie? FLAGG: Beats me. Let's go shave our groins. SCENE 8 GODDESS OF THE MOON storms into AUTOX'S office. Two NAMELESS JUVIES (Beavis and Butthead) follow her, giggling. GOM: Here! I have PROOF that I'm being harassed! JUVIE 1: Heh heh heh. JUVIE 2: She said "harassed". Huh huh huh. AUTOX: (rolls eyes heavenward) Fine. I'll have Englishchef killed. GOM: Good. (turns on heel and leaves.) JUVIE 1: Are you, like, the sysop dude? AUTOX: Uh, yeah. JUVIE 2: EXCELLENT! (both juvies air-guitar and make signs in the air) SCENE 9 ENGLISHCHEF is sitting at home, reading the Wall Street Journal. His loving wife (Katey Sagal) is cooking a lovely dinner. His two lovely children (Christina Applegate and Michael Jackson) are fighting with each other. (COSMO rappels through the window, carrying an M-16, dressed in black.) (ENGLISHCHEF and family recoil in horror.) COSMO: I'm sorry, you have to die now. Please stay calm. (COSMO sprays the room with automatic weapons fire. ALL drop dead.) SCENE 10 AUTOX: I WAS KIDDING! COSMO: Gee, boss, I thought... wC it could happen